oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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