I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
