Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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