The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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