i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
God, I missed his penis.
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