And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize