what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
