The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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