Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize