1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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