I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
