my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
