I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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