life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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