My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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