I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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