After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
