I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
