I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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