Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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