He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
