i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
