Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
