Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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