i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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