Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
