If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
These tits shall not be calmed
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
