dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
