as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
