"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
