I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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