Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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