Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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