Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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