Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
