I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
How's work?
Spinning.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
