Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
