Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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