There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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