it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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