HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
