it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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