Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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