There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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