yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I skipped work to stalk him.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
