The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
