Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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