You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
