Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
