My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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