he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He kissed a someone with a penis
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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