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i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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