I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
