Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
