How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
