I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
