i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
