Need sex. Gaining weight.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
