even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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