We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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