Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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