Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
